The ominus "Elf On A Shelf" Disciplinarian

First and foremost, I do not have children. Not even one child. Would I enjoy the opportunity to become a caregiver to a snotfaced, germy-infestation of a tiny human being? Absolutely. Next year? Absolutely not. I have additional goals and achievements to accomplish here before the grave responsibility of taking care of something that will be a direct reflection of my ability to keep something alive. Oops, someone. I am, however, available for any advice, solicited or otherwise. "How are you able to give advice when you're not even a parent," you ask? Well... I was raised by an outstanding pair of unsparing individuals. This allows me to tell you how children were raised in the "good 'ole days".

The Good 'Ole Days consisted of:

Playing outside and not on the Wii;
Walking to our friend's house and knocking on the door instead of calling - from a landline;
Flashlight war;
"Do you like me, check 'yes or no'" handwritten notes - not texted messages;
Velcro trapper keepers (no file storage on ipads, here!);
Diaries that outlined your crush of the week;
Running around with your friends without the fear of being kidnapped (be home by the time the street lights come on, though!);
walking into school for learning and recess, amidst others you didn't fear..

I could go on and on with examples of how upbringings have vastly shifted for over a century (I'm not THAT old, I promise), however at THE top of my list is a good old fashion butt-whooping.

That's right, folks. Growing up, if I didn't mind with "yes ma'am, no sir" I got popped in the mouth. My younger sis was a flagrant back-talker. You know what mom did for that? You guessed it! Bar of soap or Dawn dishsoap. Did she back-talk again? Sure - but it didn't happen often. When we were told to clean our rooms, if it didn't get done, we got a spanking. If we didn't do as we were told, in general, there was a belt with our name on it, a wooden spoon, a paddle - and the forsaken hickory switch tree at Grandma's house. We even had to pick out our own switch! This was not a desirable task - especially through the tears for something that hadn't even happened yet.

These days, people are scared to dicipline their children, in fear someone will call "the people" on them. Be it DSS or whatever social service you have in your area. With that being said, I am incessantly voicing my unsolicited opinions in regards to what my child(ren) will or won't be doing once these figments are actually here.

I ran across this ecard on facebook and couldn't help BUT to laugh, due to it being so spot-on with my attitude. And I'm sure everyone I know with children think this very thought, along with "you wait... ". I can't wait! I know you have to pick your battles (I have a 4 & 7 year old niece - trust me, I get it) but... YOU wait. You wait and see. I know it is probably quite obnoxious. No one has told me to shut up, yet..

So what society has fallen to - to make their children behave around the holidays - is the "Elf On A Shelf". This elf is magical and POOF! appears any time after Thanksgiving. The damn thing has papers (only Cabbage Patch Kids are allowed to have papers!) Children are told they can't be touched, or they lose their magical powers. In retrospect, VERY cute idea and much fun - especially for parents! However, IF I HAD A CHILD, I am not going to use a toy to make it - I mean s/he - behave when the holidays come around. No. IF I HAD A CHILD, they would behave all year round because that is what I would make them do. IF I HAD A CHILD, there wouldn't be any bribery around the holidays to behave because an elf is going to report you to Santa. No. Santa can you see you when you're sleeping AND he knows when you're awake - he knows if you've been bad or good so BE GOOD FOR ME AND NOT AN ELF, for goodness sake! When did Santa recruit helpers?! And how exactly does this negotiation take place???

Mom: Darling, if you don't go brush your teeth now, the elf is going to report back to Santa that you have not been listening!
Child: NO!
Mom: But darling, you need to mind me or you aren't going to get all of the things on your list from Santa!
Child: No!
Mom: Ok, that's it - I'm telling Elf-Chuckie to tell Santa to not stop here on Christmas Eve!
Child: *pout* and brushes teeth

IF I HAD A CHILD, this is the way that conversation would have unfolded:

Me: Time to brush your teeth, come on!
Child: NO!
Me: *SMACK* Tell me no again and you'll get it twice as hard!
Child: *crying* brushes teeth
I can almost guarantee we won't have that same conversation again, all week.

Indeed, I am viewed as a strict individual (even auntie). However, I typically don't have any issues out of my nieces. Do I abuse them? Absolutely not. Matter fact, I barely even pop them because they know I mean business. When I have to repeat myself and sound like a broken record, I get aggitated and I think they know this. I think they know when my face turns purple because I have already asked once already, it may be time to do what I asked. I don't think they have experienced 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' yet, but a purple face doesn't end well in any scenario.

So, next let's talk about how out right CREEPY these damn things look. SURELY someone sees the resemblance, here! SURELY! Oh wait - via a proclamation, I think I have finally figured it out. These children don't think this elf is going to report back to Santa. No. These children think if they don't behave, this elf is going to kill them in their sleep. Once that nefarious symbol for "joy" disappears after Christmas (not to mention, the child got everything they wanted anyway), they no longer fear for their life. Off to the same bad-ass-smart-mouth they were before! What do you do, then? Please tell me - do these things maybe peek out during Easter? To be sure someone didn't steal someone else's eggs from their basket? Or... maybe they show up around summer vacation because you left the yard while your parents weren't looking, even though you were told not to? Someone please help me understand, here. Because IF I HAD A CHILD, you would mind me year round - not just to get toys you put on a wish list. Just saying.


Ok - onto the vast variety of CRAZINESS people actually do with these things! And by crazy, I mean give-yourself-more-household-tasks. And by tasks, I mean deliberate acts of messiness to be cleaned up after someone. And by someone, I mean an Elf. And by an Elf, I MEAN YOU. Who does that?! The various different things I have heard, read, seen via Facebook newsfeed include the following:

- Knocking over the Christmas tree (again, WHO does that?!)
- getting into candy and/or cookie jars and leaving crumbs all over the counter (not only do you have to clean it up the next morning, these crumbs stayed on your counter until THE NEXT MORNING - you're going to give yourself ants!)
- unwrapping gifts (first, I hope the tag didn't say from "Santa", second - now you have to wrap it for probably the third time because you probably messed up the first wrap to begin with!)
- "Shacking Up" with Barbie (several things are wrong here... but the first that comes to mind would be 'this is what you want to teach your 6 year old'?!)
- writing, with a crayon, on the wall ("WTH" comes to mind here! IF I HAD A CHILD, this would be a very big NO-NO and this elf is going to get his ass beat and thrown in the trash - with the crayon)
- rearranging the lights from the tree to all over the living room (I understand wanting to have 'fun' with this because you want your child to have the best experience possible. But again, WHO does that?!)
- writing on the mirrors or windows with lipstick - messages about getting wishes - or you can't use the bathroom because the Elf is taking up the bathroom (I just don't even have a comment here - I mean, do you go use the OTHER bathroom?!)
- Spanking a very naked Barbie (nevermind "shacking up" or taking bubbles baths with her in the sink... but Elf-Chuckie is getting pleasure out of this. Your child is going to remember these scenarios when they get older and then you'll have to deal with a psychologically disturbed teenager. Good luck.)
- hanging from the Christmas Tree with tinsel - wrapped around his neck (was your child SO bad that Elf-Chuckie off'd himself?? And... how long did your child have nightmares after the elf was pronounced dead?! And I want to know if the child still gets presents after he committed suicide..)
- Roasting marshmellows over a candle (I thought we were trying to raise them to NOT play with fire??)
- Toilet papering the tree (again - YOU HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP!)

From what I have seen - from fishing in the toilet to playing spin-the-bottle, there are no boundaries. If you have no boundaries as to what you - I mean, your Elf - are "role modeling" for the child, why do you even have an elf? Because IF I HAD A CHILD, I wouldn't want them thinking that drinking from mommy's wine bottle was OK.